My love song

I dream of you, I want to feel you. your beautiful and touch my skin gently. you cover your body with gasoline and light it so that the fames guide me to you... sweet love.... the fire you cast off is embedded in my heart and there is no removing it.

tonight is my last night in Germany. I will forever hold these people in my heart. i will always love them. I hate that i am leaving to be entirely honest with u. Life is so cruel. I feel my heart split into 2 ... half of it so ready to go home and the other half will always be here with these people. I want to love like this always to those that I am surrounded by. It changes everything.

ok... so I went to Europe. I saw Paris, Amsterdam, Germany (all of it), Rome... alot of really great places. What have I learned. I have learned a few things. First... The world is not as big as it seems. Everyone has relationship problems. Feelings like love, hate and indifference cross all cultural boundaries. People all around the world are basically the same... just speaking different language and into different entertainment. I believe that America has made a huge mistake in taking advantage of the power it holds to bully other people around. people fear and hate the American government because of this and are looking forward to a day when America is not the main world power... which if we do not have the support of anybody else in the world, wont be for long. I have also learned that war sucks... for everyone. The first thing u realize when coming over here is the influence war has when it is on the soil of ur family. How different would ur great grandparents or grandparents be if when they were in there 20s, they had bombs thrown into there backyard and had to pick up all the pieces. These people have had wars in their backyards for centuries and have learned to think... then react. Especially the Germans who are completely ashamed to call themselves German due to a dictator who emotionally bondaged the people and killed the spirit of an entire generation of people... whether or not they agreed with the situation or not. What i found interesting was that my flatmate just came home from Saigon 3 months ago. He told me that the Vietnamese do not consider the Vietnam war that, they all call it the American War. Go Figure. I have learned that my work has kept me from seeing the small things that God want to show me... like the girl across the room who needs a cough drop or the beauty in the sunrise and the crisp feeling of cold air on ur cheek... when ur mind is stuck in a book... ur never get out. My mind is forever going over facts and figures for my next exam. And lastly... i spread myself too thin. I want to spend time with people i really care about and not just because i am a social butterfly who chit chats with everyone. I wanna put more time into people i really care for. Anyways... thats it. hope everyone is doing alright.

jeanie

I have never felt so crushed in my entire life. Every thing inside of me feels so alone. Why God? I cry again and hope the pain passes with the next tear. My eyes are swollen and my heart just aches to call you and tell you that everything will be okay... but I cant because I dont know if it will. I love you and I miss you already. I hate this... If you ever read this, u should know how much I love you and how sorry I am.

I cant finish this...

Just get through the summer Jeanie

I just dont want anyone upset with me....

Just get yourself through the Summer Jeanie

And what if I loose, what if ...

the Summer Jeanie... just a couple of months to keep all those balls in the air.
Just stay focused and get through the Summer. You'll need their support and
confidence when you are away. Just keep your heart beating.

I keep telling myself it doesnt matter, that they love me regardless, but they deserve to know it, especially now after a whole year of me giving them the shaft. Allowing them to be second to my school. Especially Leslie... he deserves more.... That is all I want, and now the prep work is killing me when all I want to do is be with them before I go overseas... everyday, all the time.

Jeanie, just get through the summer.

nothing has changed. I hate the taste of it. It remains stagnant and stale and it runs through my veins as I drink you in. I cant drink anymore. Water in my lungs make it hard to breathe. I cant drink anymore unless the water is clean.

I know that we love each other. Love is not the question here. Its just one of those fleeting thoughts that come across my mind. I deserve crazy love... yea, we kiss with our lips, wear our hearts on each others sleeve... well... I guess you can let your pride keep me away from you. It is a wedge that you have created. I still love you.

Tomorrow is the last exam I have in the semester from Hades. I am so happy that it is almost over that I am really not even paying much attention to the information. Medical Surgical Nursing. I have read cover to cover 2097 pages/ 81 chapters and can only hope I have something of value to show for it. People think your smart cause you read when in actuality, you bust your ass and read every single line because your terrified and know how dumb you really are and absolutely need to read every line in order to come close to understanding it all. I love nursing... but I found myself asking if I would do it if I were a millionaire... and I am just not sure. I love music so much and missions. There are just a million other things. Maybe that is why I love nursing so much.. because I can do all of those things if I want at any point in my career. They are pushing nursing research so far, that I could do alot with music therapy and traveling... speaking of which... I got a scholarship to go to Europe for 3 months in the fall to do nursing research. Should be fun... but the best part about it is being able to live in Europe for 3 months and not spend a dime. God has been good to me despite the fact that I dont deserve it. So... thats it, the best update I have... hope everyone is doing fine. I forgot what a great study break livejournal could be. ...

.jeanie.

In 1984 (the year you were born)

Ronald Reagan is president of the US On a Challenger mission, two astronauts become the first humans to fly free of a spacecraft An Union Carbide insecticide plant in Bhopal, India seeps toxic gas killing over 2,000 Penthouse magazine publishes nude photographs of Miss America Vanessa Williams The Soviet Union boycotts the Los Angeles Summer Olympics Richard Stallman starts developing GNU "Where's the Beef?" commercial campaign for Wendy's airs for the first time The Apple Macintosh, the first consumer computer to use a computer mouse and GUI interface, is introduced by Apple Ethiopian famine begins Mandy Moore and Avril Lavigne are born Detroit Tigers win the World Series Los Angeles Raiders win Superbowl XVIII Edmonton Oilers win the Stanley Cup Ghost Busters, Beverly Hills Cop, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Gremlins, and The Karate Kid are top grossing films "When Doves Cry" by Prince and the Revolution spends the most time at the top of US charts Michael Jackson's hair catches fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial The Cosby Show, Punky Brewster, and Who's the Boss? premiere

it has been forever since my last update... but to sum it all up

sick of school but doing good in my classes

wrapped up in baseball (the world classic)

missin leslie as usual

frustrated with those around me and missing what it felt like to have friends that were real.

the God for family